What Mother Trees can Teach Us About The Importance of Boundaries
Boundaries come up as a theme in my professional and personal life often. Identifying, setting, and holding boundaries can be tricky for different reasons. Some of us have learned that we need to have rigid boundaries in order to stay safe. Some of us have learned that we don’t get to have boundaries in order to belong or have our needs met. Some of us have learned that setting boundaries with other people is unkind and that prioritizing our own needs is selfish. Some of us have learned that letting people in is dangerous and unwise. Unfortunately, many of these ways we have learned to set boundaries are overly rigid or overly porous, leaving us feeling alone, angry, exhausted, anxious, scared, or resentful.
As an Eco-Therapist, I listen, learn, and engage from a place where concepts and theories meet us in our real life experiences. I also am always considering what we can learn from the rest of the natural world about the things we face as humans. I am going to write about boundaries in the same way.
Here are some things to consider as we go:
Boundaries are limits we set to protect our own well-being.
Boundaries can be physical, emotional, intellectual, and time-based.
Boundaries are often most useful when they are based on our values.
Boundaries are not things we implement onto other people to tell them how to be.
Boundaries are only useful if we continue to hold them over time.
I recently had a week where I was booked solid and had little room to take a break. It was filled with many meaningful and supportive things but, as the week progressed, I noticed that I was feeling more and more exhausted and annoyed. I especially noticed this when at a social event and I felt myself actively engaging with everyone on the outside while on the inside, all I wanted to do was run away and lay down. This was a signal to me that I probably was missing a boundary I needed and should check-in.
Below are questions that you can apply to your own boundary check-ins and an example of my answers:
What is causing me to feel annoyed, exhausted, resentful, or angry?
I feel annoyed at myself because I am doing something that I know I did not have the energy for.
I feel exhausted from being in too many places and trying to make everyone happy.
Is anything in conflict with my values?
Love and curiosity are core values of mine.
I feel unable to be very loving or curious about anyone else or this place because I am so worn down.
Are any of my needs unmet?
My needs for physical, mental, and emotional rest.
My time-based needs. Prioritizing everything and everyone else left me unable to prioritize time for rest so that I could truly connect with myself and others when I am with them.
If so, what would it look like if my needs were met?
I would be able to get enough sleep throughout the week and have time for leisure activities for my brain to recharge.
What kind of boundary might I need to set to prioritize my physical, intellectual, emotional, or relational well-being?
I want to be honest that this part can feel hard, even after identifying all the ways that it is important.
To figure out what kind of boundary to set, it can be helpful to first look at your unmet needs and then look at how meeting those needs could allow you to come back to your values. It can also be helpful to turn to the Eco-therapy lens below.
In my case, it felt like my boundary could be saying “no” to a few invitations each week and, instead, holding that time for leisure activities and sleep. That boundary feels like it will allow me to be more loving towards myself and to also be more curious and loving towards other people when I am with them.
Eco-therapy lens: Is there a being that I can learn from about setting this kind of boundary?
I often look to trees as teachers.
I have learned about the way that trees communicate with and support one another and this feels important when I think about rest and being able to be more loving.
Trees communicate with one another through mycorrhizal networks in order to share nutrients and resources and to warn of danger. A tree is able to support another tree when that tree already has what they need.
There are also trees called Mother Trees. These are the older trees in the forest who have roots in deeper soil and can access deeper nutrient reserves for themselves and others. I love to think about Mother Trees as teachers that when we take consistent and meaningful care of ourselves, we have deeper roots and deeper wells to pull from for ourselves and our communities.
If you want to learn more about working together, consulting with me, or learning more about Nature-Based Therapy, please reach out to me!